beyond essence

lost

2008-02-10T16:04:00.001+08:00

the puppy who made my day brighter because of her happy disposition and playful ways.
she made my long duty days easy especially every time she runs through the gate every time i get home and it doesn't matter at what time of the day and night.
she wags her tail endlessly everytime she knew that i am awake and starts barking and crawling into my legs.
she was a great friend, a faithful sturdy friend.
too bad, today, she passed away, instantly, without heeding a warning...and i feel broke and it bring tears into my eyes.
Koochie is such a big part of me as she has seen my tears when i was frail. she comforted me with her warm licks and embraces.
she would sit beside me everytime i am busy reading and reviewing for my exams and reports.
she has my heart and i hope when she gets to heaven, she will look down on me.
i am missing you Koochie.

gone

2008-01-09T12:55:00.000+08:00

change is never easy.

You fight to hold on.

You fight to let go.

on an indefinite blog leave....

carrot, eggs and coffee

2007-12-26T12:14:00.000+08:00

Carrot, Egg and Coffee...

You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again...

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she place carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity - boiling water. Each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?

Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.

Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

You might want to send this message to those people who mean something to you (I JUST DID!); to those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life. If you don't send it, you will just miss out on the opportunity to brighten someone's day with this message!

It's easier to build a child than repair an adult.

This is so true - may we all be COFFEE!!

lub dub, lub dub

2007-12-11T07:47:00.000+08:00

a year in nursing school=20 pounds added to my not so flattering weight.

i have been trying desperately to shed it off, or at least go back to my usual frame, but i just cant.

every diet seem to fail, and every cup of rice in every meal seems futile.

i cant squeeze myself into my old uniform and my new one fits quite poorly too. i hate the feeling it gives.

awwww, poor poor me. and even if the workload and school load keep my hands full, the activities do not compensate my eating habits.

in a moment, i am doing just fine, but come another minute, it all vanishes.

so for a quick remedy, i bought this:

hoping that i can actually lose a little of the excess. but my oh my, 2 caps after, my heart was beating doubly fast, palpitations and paranoia seem to overpower my system, and that drove me to stop.

now, an aero/taebo thing is running on my mind and i should maybe just concentrate on losing weight and having that real patience and will to get on.

adik

2007-12-02T15:27:00.000+08:00

sa dami ng mga taong hirap at hindi makuhang bumili ng gamot,

heto ako at nagpapakasasa.

masakit man sa aking loob, kailangan ko na silang itapon.

sayang. napakalaking sayang!

breaker

2007-11-24T17:58:00.000+08:00

an arab was interviewed at US checkpoint.

interviewer: "name please?"

Arab: "Abdul Aziz"

Interviewer: "sex?"

Arab:" 10 times a week."

Interviewer: "I mean, male or female."

Arab: "doesn't matter, sometimes, even camel."

Interviewer: "Holy cow!!!"

Arab: "Yes, cows and dogs too."

Interviewer: "Isn't that hostile?"

Arab: "yes, horse style, dogstyle, any style!"

Interviewer: "Oh dear!"

Arab: "No deer, they run very fast."

!

2007-11-16T22:07:00.000+08:00

i just dont feel like blogging...
i am tired.
suffocated.
drained.
i need to be recharged.

out of touch

2007-11-11T10:31:00.000+08:00

i am still alive, only our dsl connection has been down for almost a week and being out of touch with people, particulaly family and friends, made me downright crazy.
hayyy, talk about the very poor customer service this particular phone company has, it makes my blood boil, how's that?

i'll be back as soon as the internet connection is restoed. i miss you peepz. take care.

tara na!

2007-10-28T19:55:00.000+08:00

out of sheer boredom, i sifted through my files and found these pictures that were taken in a park in Korea.

the park itself is entertaining, but, unlike the usual parks, it has its own landscape which is a primary reason why tourists and locals flock each time.

kakaiba. yun lang ang pwede kong masabi. at kung makitid and utak mo, isa lang ang masasabi mo: "bastos!"

there is more to just that 5-letter word isnt it? ano nga ba ang bastos?

is it because the park has sex/mating as a theme?

Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection. as for me, i believe that the hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating (f*cking).

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time and besides, kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken. :)

if you are open minded, tuloy ka. pag hindi, back off! (ala FG and JdV 3) *grins*

eary christmas thoughts

2007-10-21T15:44:00.000+08:00

Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.

chill

2007-10-12T22:36:00.000+08:00

you give me fever!

awwww!

2007-10-08T07:36:00.000+08:00

the rain may be falling hard outside...

but your smile makes it all alright.

let me be

2007-10-04T07:08:00.000+08:00

When I grow up I want to be a little girl. for there is a garden in every childhood, an enchanted place where colors are brighter, the air softer, and the morning more fragrant than ever again. it is measured out by sounds and smells and sights, before the dark hour of reason grows. Childhood is the most beautiful of all life's seasons.
yes, i want to be a little girl again. :(

good riddance

2007-10-02T08:11:00.000+08:00

and the first of October came, incidentally, it occurred on the first day of the week. i was hoping for a good start, for good vibes and uplifted spirit, but it wasn’t the case.
the day started quite fine, although it seemed like a typhoon was raging because of the on/off gushing of winds and heavy rains, i managed to pass by the whole afternoon quite swiftly and fine.
when i was on my way home last night, i received a call from my uncle and was asking me if i knew the land line number of where aunt who just arrived from australia was staying.
i said, i do have the number but i haven’t memorized it, as it was just stored in my mobile and i cannot pull it through otherwise i would cancel his call. suddenly, he went blabbing about it, asking me questions and sounded like as if interrogating me as to why didn’t i memorized the number.
suddenly a gush of blood rose up my head and told him: " i will not be memorize something just because aunt is staying there. and besides, if it wasn’t for her, i would not ring them. and he kept on keeping his arugument, that what about if there'd be emergencies. at the back of my mind, i would not be calling someone else's family should there be emergencies. i am not that close to cousin’s wife family and has no intention of being ultra close with them. it is fine with me that i am civil whenever i get to see them and that is it.
and he reprimanded me about sharing his financial problems with my dad (his brother). well, honestly, i do not see any reason as to why i would not tell my dad about his constant bugging whenever he needs extra amount to pay his due bills. what in hell do these people think? that a financially challenged student like me can raise a hefty amount on a regular basis? that whenever they need some show money for trips abroad they can come and grab a hundred thousand cold cash from me?
give me some reason please! now! urgent!

see? this is what i call pointless arguments. instances like these allow me to lose grip. i am not that mean but hey, i am not an angel too!
i hope people can see what lies inside of me. the many worries, the many things that i have to endure and most especially the things that i have to deal with even without my liking.
i'd rather stop, otherwise, my list would be endless.
It should have been a good morning, a warm, calm and undemanding morning. But it wasn’t.

Today is a story of crumpled thoughts, of worrisome behavior and an irritability raised to the nth power. And it is starting to hit on me again, and I smell my own fear rising.
Ohhh, enduring, I wish I knew enough.

i want to break free

2007-09-27T09:35:00.000+08:00

The silence is deafening, it makes me want to scream, it makes me on fire; on second thought, I am on fire. I am starting to get mad and thoughts flow wildly to the extent that one false move will make me rupture.
It is hard to keep feelings to just yourself and you cannot even show a sign of madness or irritability.
I dislike talks, senseless ones at that, more so, I abhor arguments-especially irrational reasoning.
I need to have rhyme and reason, right now!

she

2007-09-24T07:42:00.000+08:00

There is something about her that makes my heart desperate. I do not exactly know what it is because looking at her is like solving a mystery puzzle, like as if, every piece doesn’t fit and one becomes bleak.
Whenever she passes by, there is that air of inscrutability in her. She looks fine, beautiful as a matter of fact, but she has an empty face.
She would occasionally laugh, she cries, she looks blissful; but her empty face and bare eyes say otherwise. I know, there is something more about her. There is more to just those little laughters and silent smiles, there is more than just those tears and more than just that empty face.
I am intrigued but her “mystery” keeps me glued.
Is she searching for happiness? Is she searching for love, respect?
Or is she just doomed to be that way?

alarm

2007-09-19T15:43:00.000+08:00

In this vain world, a svelte and curvy body is oftentimes associated with beauty.
Those who were blessed to have sylphlike body are never the center of rude laughters and “meaningful” remarks and even jokes.
What is it with big bodies? What is the difference between having an ectomorph from an endomorph body type?
I don’t exactly know any difference, just in case there is any.
Within you, you know that you are good, and even if you talk with sense and ace whatever is done in school and show a decent personality to everyone you know, and even those you don’t, still, people kid you with your body built.
Alright, those maybe are jokes but jokes are always half meant.

And sometimes, this makes me feel little.
Every now and then, I would wonder and even day dream how it is like to be thin. I wonder if there would be a difference with how people would see me. Will they kid me about weighing scales, would they kid me about me being “rich” because a big body size for them is an indicator that I can buy all the foods in the world. Funny eh? But true, very true. And it didn’t happen to me once or twice but countless times.

Had I been thin, I’d walk in the ramp and slap them in their face.
I can be brutal too.

MARK is HOPE

2007-09-15T09:38:00.000+08:00

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.

*this is for you. all will be well.

true friendship is

2007-09-12T21:12:00.000+08:00

habang nakahiga, naisip ko, mahirap pala talagang magestablish ng pagkakaibigan.
minsan kasi, kahit alam mo na click kayo sa halos lahat ng bagay, malalaman mo na lang na sa huli, di pala talaga kayo magkaibigan.
napadefine tuloy ako kung ano yung friendship in its deepest and truest meaning.
and i came up with these...
Real and true friendship involves freedom of choice, accountability, truth, and forgiveness. *tama naman di ba? a friend should never dictate you on what you are suppose to do because he thinks that you have a mind of your own, pero, he's just there to guide you. and if in case you fall, he is there to motivate you to pick yourself up. he understands where you have been and accepts who you've become and still gently invites you to grow.
Real friendship looks at the heart, not just the "packaging." *tama ulit di ba? kasi di lang kayo friends kasi maganda ka, gwapo ka, sexy ka o macho ka. ang friendships dapat based on chemistry and a feeling na "you are home" whenever you are with that person.
Genuine friendship loves for love's sake, not just for what it can get in return. *di dapat one-way traffic lang.
True friendship is both challenging and exciting. It risks, it overlooks faults, and it loves unconditionally...
*need i say more?

to live and love

2007-09-08T10:27:00.000+08:00

There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer;
no disease that enough love will not heal;
no door that enough love will not open;
no gulf that enough love will not bridge;
no wall that enough love will not throw down;
no sin that enough love will not redeem...
It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble;
how hopeless the outlook;
how muddled the tangle;
how great the mistake.
A sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all.
If only you could love enough
you would be the happiest and most powerful being in the world...
i have loved and is loving.
it keeps me alive and growing.
i am in love with love and life itself.
and will continue loving until the day i die...
no matter the hurt, the pain, the tears.

i miss you

2007-09-03T08:55:00.000+08:00

The three words that mean the most, I think, the ones that really hit the mark, and often in the most unexpected of ways, are “I miss you”. This is the sentence that sends the message right home. Because what other message is there? Nothing else, except exactly just that, “I miss you”, and everything else is pulled along into it, like a chain reaction. Unlike “I love you” and the lies that go along with it, “I miss you” is honest and sincere, you only say it when you mean it, and you don’t have to mean it in a big way to really mean it.

Unlike “I want you” and its expectations, “I miss you” offers all it has, and waits for nothing in return. Unlike “I need you” and its desperate whines, “I miss you” stands on its own, a whole entity in just three words, devoid of arms that cling to you for life.
“I miss you” means everything and nothing, it is unflinching and honest. It is upbeat and simple, with wisps of longing and clouds of hope.

You miss people you used to love, people you used to want, people you used to need. But most of the time the missing is all that’s left, and that’s OK, there’s nothing else you’d change.

The missing implies a past that remains in its rightful place. Or it implies the reality and possibilities of the present. It is hope and love and lust and peace all at the same time.

Some people say that when they met that person, it was akin to “coming home”.

And missing is this manifestation of home-sickness, the way people return to their homelands to die, the way all the comfort the world has to offer is nothing compared to the feeling of being in someone’s arms. And that’s why I miss you, because you’re not here, and because every time I think about you, that’s all that I think. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, and the world turns for both of us, and I can’t wait until you come home.

burning

2007-08-31T13:32:00.000+08:00

I have this clinical instructress who often criticizes me about my body size. She does that every time I come to her for my return demonstration.
At first, I was taking it just fine, but as time passes by, it created a big stir on me.
I don’t know why she picks on me, what her motives are or it’s just “her”.
Alright, I am aware that i do not have that whistle bait figure, i do not have that supermodel type of body, but hey, I do not ask my food from her and I do not owe her anything, she isn’t even that efficient as a teacher.
I just dislike the way she puts a stress on my body, as it appears like she is so absofuckinglutely beautiful.
I dislike her messiahnic complex and the last time she did that thing to me, I gave her a stern and sharp look.
I do not exactly know what I did to her; I do not even feel that she has something against on me. If that is her “way” of joking, well, it doesn’t sell on me.
Nobody has ever done that thing on me as all of those whom I have met are professionals in their own rights. We even aren’t very good friends and even my closest buds do not pick on me the way she does.
I just hope she knows what it feels and I hope she practice what she preach.
They’d often tell the class to never be judgmental and consider the person’s history.
If she would have been more empathizing and decisive, she would have first asked what I went through.
I just wonder what if she finds out that I am battling with bulimia nervosa and her way of treating me triggers me to returning to that dilemma again?

Nevertheless, my 190- 5’7 built doesn’t hinder me from capturing my dreams; and although I am a work in progress, I do not see it as a hindrance. And for all I care, I have a love life, I have a sex life and I have a beautiful child.

an island of hope

2007-08-28T10:01:00.000+08:00

I cannot and I will not lie down and kneel before my life. I cannot and I will not let the destiny that life has dealt me be the only destiny worth living for. I am I, you are you, we are distinct and we are individuals. I will carve my own destiny and I will dream my own dreams. I will walk bare footed through the warm golden sand, sleep naked under the stars and listen to the sea as it lashes against the rocks of hypocrisy. I will let the wind play with my hair and be at one with nature. This is my island and it is called hope.

As long as I am alive I have hope there is a chance, there is a dream to be fulfilled and a life worth living. I aspire not for wealth, for success, to conquer lands or the minds of men but seek refugee in conquering myself. I seek refugee in the hope of touching the stars in the blackness of the night. I ask for the courage to confront my greatest enemy, myself. I ask for the courage to help me to realize the potential that burns within my soul.

As I walk along my island of hope, alone, with merely my thoughts and the sound of my beating heart who have I become and what am I to become? As the sun sets on the horizon, there is calm all around me. The day nears to an end and slowly the sky goes black. Through the darkness appear the glittering eyes of the world and they gaze down at me, the moon smiles at me yet I am I. An eagle flies above me with its wings of hope spread wide into the vastness and emptiness of the ocean in front of me.I am finally at peace with my soul.

My island, which I have strove to seek all my life, is now within my grasp. I have arrived. My island is a place of non-attachment and non-possession. It is a place of calmness where the pains of yesterday are but a distant memory. I have courage within my heart to face my ultimate destiny. As it looks at me, I smile at it. I no longer fear that which I once feared, I no longer yearn for more but am content with what I have gained; I no longer yearn for a life of the past. I look at the demons within me and I have defeated them and they have not defeated me.

I have finally conquered myself. I now embrace my island without regret and walk into my destiny. I have been born, I have lived, I have loved and been loved, I have failed and succeeded, and I have forgiven. There is nothing more for me to do. I have become what I essentially was at birth, myself. I close my eyes and my soul transpires out of my body and takes me to a higher level of existence. I leave the pains of the world and embrace the wonders of what lie in front of me. A teardrop falls from my soul into the ocean, that is how it was created. I cease to exist.

road to liberation

2007-08-26T21:07:00.000+08:00

tomorrow, being a holiday is no excuse for me to bury myself in books and nursing procedures reviewers.
For the past 9 months, I have been extremely busy with school and each day, pressure rises. The routine is basically the same everyday and it is as if, life should revolve around Kozier, Taylor etc.
Toxicity is a staple word for every second courser in our school, but I tell you it is fun.
Imagine a class of 21 students, all of whom are second coursers, each possessing different traits and intelligence, and all professionals in their own respective careers. There is a registered medical technologist, teachers, electronics and communications engineer, accountants, licensed pharmacist, an interior designer, a HRM grad, businessmen and women and I, a psychologist.
We all enrolled for another course for the very sole reason of finding that exodus towards a better pasture, a greener one, I must say. And when I say a greener pasture, I just do not refer to the financial aspects but also to the other facets of life.
Each day is a struggle as we have to squeeze in to every new concept and strive hard to make all informations get stored into our minds and be able to practice and apply each skill critically from assessment to evaluation and knowledge in every clinical exposure.
We get to deal with different people, from all walks of life and sometimes, patience is tested along with your ability to be stay tough every time you get to see dying and less fortunate patients.
The road towards salvation is not that easy but every moment is precious and demands are too much. Working on a tri-semester schedule with all the workload (not mentioning the things that need to be done at home as we are all married) is scorching.
One needs to work triple hard because you cannot expect the teachers to be teaching you everything as the phasing is so very fast and so, there is a need to read and study in advance.
Anyway, the road maybe hard and pressure filled but it would not last long. What I wish for is for everyone to pass the course and all licensure exams both local and international so we can head on towards that deliverance.

again

2007-08-25T21:46:00.000+08:00

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."

i am back after a long absence.

and hoping that this time, i will be able to keep and maintain this site.

all along, i miss my friends and the "bestests" of them when i was out of blogosphere. but what kept me sane during those i-should-blog-about-this- and i-hope-i-can-share-this-to-my-blogfriends moments was that they were actually there. and that makes me feel secured.

to odette, whom i still haven't seen, but has kept in touch in every little way, to scarlett, whom i have already met and like odette, has been there everyday, everytime and to rob, who never failed to forget, many many thanks. and to jigs, vanny and shawboy, whom i greatly missed, i am back and will blog again.